The Sunday Morning Funny

From the All Hat No Cattle web site:

George Bush was spending some time at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. One afternoon, he was riding in the back of his official limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," instructed the president.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the president. He turned to the other man and said "You come with us, too".

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well," answered Bush as he headed for his limo. They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a foot tall!"

Your Research Paper Is About What???

Hellena had to laugh at the irony within this next story: A senior at UMass was visited by federal agents two months ago, after he requested a copy of Mao Tse-Tung's tome on Communism called "The Little Red Book" to be used while writing a research paper on fascism & totalitarianism.

The story reports that the student was told the book is on a "watch list" of tomes considered dangerous by our ferderal government, and that his background, which included significant time abroad, triggered them to investigate the student further.

Hoo-boy, Hellena feels safer.... and she's not saying where she buried her copy of Mein Kampf..

Guts or Balls

From Hellena's friend Robin in NOLA:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."



heh.

Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus....

Why Bill O'Reilly and the whole "War on Christmas" bullshit he started is flagrantly ridiculous. The Rude Pundit has a letter composed to send Bill a little "holiday - er - Christmas" cheer.

In fact, Media Matters has a whole reading list of false claims by O'Reilly in regards to the "War on Christmas."

Bill, you're a sad little schmuck.

The Kennebunkport Hillbilly

aha ha ha......

(sung to the tune of The
Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)

Come and listen to my story
'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and
his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish
while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz
his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know
little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but
they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say "George, stay at home with Mom
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard."
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!
Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win.
Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

Sure, that might have been a wee bit juvenile, but Hellena isn't embarrassed to laugh at a fart joke. Thanks to Mindfully.org for today's funny, even if we're reading it almost 4 years late.

One Ringy Dingy, Two Ringy Dingy

Oh say it isn't so.... now you, too, can own the lilting, lyrical sound bites of the Shrub in a ring tone for your cell phone. Insert your own funny witicism here because, for once, Hellena is speechless.

Sam Seder For President

Hellena is a few days behind Crooks & Liars with this, but if you haven't seen the CNN clip of Sam Seder making Church Lady Bob Knight look like a complete dipshit, then click the link and have some fun. Just don't compare the War on Christmas with the Nazis or Sam'll be knocking on your door with a flaming bag of poo to put in your stocking.

Making the Baby Jesus Cry

Ah, nothing like a heart-warming story of a PREACHER and his wife sodomizing their children.

By PATRICK CROTTY / Staff Writer
(Updated: Tuesday, December 6, 2005 5:30 PM CST)

A former Shelby County pastor and his wife pled guilty last week to raping and sodomizing their two children almost 18 years ago.

Ralph Randall Melton and his wife, Cathy G. Melton, of Jemison, pled guilty to first-degree rape and sodomy in Chilton County District Court. The couple is awaiting sentencing.

Melton was arrested in April 2004 after his daughter filed charges with the Chilton County Sheriff’s Office.

Invesitgators said Melton and his wife raped his then-15-year-old daughter repeatedly between 1975 and 1987.

Investigators began collecting evidence after the victim filed a complaint against her father in November 2003. The couple’s son also filed charges after his sister stepped forward, and the wife was also arrested.

Melton was the pastor of Prospect Baptist Church in Wilsonville at the time of his arrest. He also served as pastor of New Salem Baptist Church in Thorsby and Big Springs Baptist Church in Vida.

Hellena thinks church people should worry less about converting the poor heathens of the world, and concentrate on making sure they aren't harboring child fornicators amongst their existing congregations.

Just sayin'........

When Sheep Get Kinky

Hellena is not sure why, but she is greatly amused by this. She finds this J. Grant person to have a delightfully warped sense of humor.

Christian Conservatives Worship Your New Jesus!

After all, conservatives are all about family values, and Jesus, right? Support your politics and good ol' Amerikan values by purchasing this image on your very own shirt or mug.

Mother Drys Baby to Death

Ah, Satan is smiling.

BOGALUSA, La. — A mother was booked on a charge of first-degree murder for allegedly placing her 3-month-old son in a clothes dryer and turning it on.

The infant had third-degree burns over 50 percent of his body and suffered blunt force trauma to the head, the St. Tammany Parish coroner said.

Police Sgt. Darryl Darden said Lakeisha Adams, 18, called police to her home on Monday to report that someone had killed her child. When officers arrived, they found Jailand Adams on a sofa. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

So here's a question for the audience: What is more critical and requires more skill - driving a car or taking care of a child?

Hellena will assume the answer to this question is the latter, and has another question for viewing public:

WHY THE FUCK DO WE REQUIRE PEOPLE TO TAKE A TEST AND GET A LICENSE TO DRIVE A CAR, YET ANY TWAT CAN POP OUT A BABY IF SHE IS FERTILE?????

C'mon, answer Hellena..... is it just assumed that every human will be a loving and caring Mommy or Daddy to the extent that conceiving a child is just an inalienable right and not something we should be screening people for to make sure they aren't going to pop Junior into a clothes dryer or bash their little heads in with a rock because "God" told them to?

To top it off, this 18 year old paragon of mommyhood already had a 1 year old that escaped the fate of the 3 month old, so apparently, she doesn't know what is causing the repeat pregnancies.

All you do-gooders who think teaching birth control and sex ed in schools is against moral values should read this story and refuckingconsider your stance on that. In the future, every time you spout off at the mouth about birth control being evil, you should think about that little, tiny, helpless 3 month old bouncing around and burning inside of that dryer.

Satan is smiling indeed.

A Note on Public Birthday Celebrations

You know when you are in a restaurant quietly ingesting your dinner, when from the back of the restaurant comes a cacaphony of clapping, singing employees bearing a glob of melting mystery desert to some other poor sap whose family members thought it would be cool to make a public spectacle of their unsuspecting relative?

Isn't that fucking annoying? In fact, it's disturbing, garish, and gauche.

Celebrate your birthdays at home, people or take it to Chucky Cheese where that sort of shit is expected. No one else gives a rat's ass if you are a year older; we only want to eat our dinner in peace without getting a lump in our chest from the loud, unenthusiastic, off-key wait staff's singing.