Mike Luckovich's Top 16 of the Year...

Mike Luckovich is one of Hellena's favorite political cartoonists. In this feature he chooses his favorites from 2005. You can find his work in The Atlanta Journal Constitution.

What's Wrong with This Picture?

Far be it from Hellena to tell people what they can use as the image on their Christmas cards, but doesn't it seem a bit odd for the Southern Baptist Convention to use a picture of the Supreme Court building?

Richard Land, who has served as president of the Southern Baptist Convention's Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission since 1988, claims there is no political intent in the choice.

::coughbullshitcough::

In fact, after visiting Dr. Land's web site, it seems pretty obvious to Hellena that Dr. Land's entire existance involves the interaction of politics and religion.

In his latest book, Imagine! A God-Blessed America (Broadman & Holman, 2005), Dr. Land encourages readers to envision an America where more Christians are radical change agents who reflect Christ, not culture, and where people are liberated from the cult of self and instead committed to the common good. Dr. Land has also recently authored Real Homeland Security (Broadman & Holman, 2004).

Dr. Land is also Executive Editor of Faith & Family Values, a national magazine dedicated to coverage of traditional religious values, Christian ethics, and cultural trends.

Dr. Land, if you don't mind, Hellena would like to have a word with you.....

Dr. Land,

If you and your organization cannot be content with your tax-free status and keep your religion out of politics, then Hellena would like to suggest that your church give up it's tax-free status. Hellena believes this would bring you and your flock out of the "cult of self" and allow more money to be committed to the common good. Instead of palatial churches, homes, and expensive stages from where your sermons are given, Hellena would like to suggest that you and your brethern choose to leave a few 1,000' square feet off your homes, fly economy, and buy cheaper pews so you can spend more of the money you collect to help those in need - you know, like Jesus would.

Worship whatever version of the Bible you wish, but please understand that this is a large country, with millions of people from every conceivable religious & social background you can imagine. Never, in your lifetime, or anyone else's, are we all going to be reborn again as fundamental Southern Baptists. See, the REAL challenge here is not for you to convert all of us, but for you to learn how to play well with others and accept as Americans, we all have the same inalienable rights as you.

We all have the right to freedom of religion. Though this may not be your vision, it was the vision of our founding fathers.

Happy Holidays to you, Dr. Land.
Hellena Handbasket

Gotta Keep Watch on Those Vegans

The definition of "terrorist" for some folks must be pretty broad in light of revelations from the F.B.I. that

... agents in Indianapolis planned to conduct surveillance as part of a "Vegan Community Project." Another document talks of the Catholic Workers group's "semi-communistic ideology." A third indicates the bureau's interest in determining the location of a protest over llama fur planned by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Could someone please explain to our government the difference between civil disobedience, lawful protest, & terroristic activies? Of course, Hellena doubts the explanation would sink in with someone who thinks the Constitution is "just a goddamned piece of paper!"

If Hellena Only Had More Time...

But she doesn't, so here is today's commentary:

Bush, you're a big, fat LIAR.

White House press release with the big, fat lie.

Lying on tape.

Lying: The ReMix

Bush Tried Desperately to Kill the NYT's Spy Story

Photo credited to Joshua Roberts / Reuters

Well, all over the internet news organizations are reporting what a pathetic pile of guilty crap GW really is.....

Dec. 19, 2005 - Finally we have a Washington scandal that goes beyond sex, corruption and political intrigue to big issues like security versus liberty and the reasonable bounds of presidential power. President Bush came out swinging on Snoopgate—he made it seem as if those who didn’t agree with him wanted to leave us vulnerable to Al Qaeda—but it will not work. We’re seeing clearly now that Bush thought 9/11 gave him license to act like a dictator, or in his own mind, no doubt, like Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War.

...and they are pulling no punches. Now Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) has released a dated letter that shows at least one Dem did not approve of Georgie's illegal spying. The letter can be read in its original form as released by Rockefeller on Talking Points Memo.

Can anyone say "Congressional inquiry?"

Quotable Quotes

For years Hellena has been stating that the Religious Right (which is neither, btw) has been plotting a hostile takeover of the world. In that vein, Hellena has decided to gather quotes that demonstrate this.

Here's today's offerings:

"That is the delicate balance the Secretary of the Interior must have: to be steward for the natural resources for this generation as well as future generations. I do not know how many future generations we can count on before the Lord returns; whatever it is we have to manage with a skill to leave the resources needed for future generations." -- James G. Watt, testimony before the House Interior Committee, February 1981

"We don't have to protect the environment, the Second Coming is at hand." -- interpretation of the above testimony by Austin Miles, Setting the Captives Free

Lovely. Forget recycling or watching your consumerism. The Lord is Comin'!!

"Yes, religion and politics do mix. America is a nation based on biblical principles. Christian values dominate our government. The test of those values is the Bible. Politicians who do not use the bible to guide their public and private lives do not belong in office." Beverly LaHaye - “Ms.” magazine, 2/87

“Separation of church and state” currently means almost exactly the opposite of what it originally meant." - David Barton WallBuilders

Hellena would like to propose the abolishment of tax-free status for all churches and religious organizations that wish to participate in the political process. Even if it is just voicing opinions like the ones above.

Hellena Just Loves Accidental Truths....

A Freudian Slip of sorts?

Every Time They Tell Those Fish Stories....

the fish get bigger and bigger......

The Sunday Morning Funny

From the All Hat No Cattle web site:

George Bush was spending some time at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. One afternoon, he was riding in the back of his official limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," instructed the president.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the president. He turned to the other man and said "You come with us, too".

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well," answered Bush as he headed for his limo. They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a foot tall!"

Your Research Paper Is About What???

Hellena had to laugh at the irony within this next story: A senior at UMass was visited by federal agents two months ago, after he requested a copy of Mao Tse-Tung's tome on Communism called "The Little Red Book" to be used while writing a research paper on fascism & totalitarianism.

The story reports that the student was told the book is on a "watch list" of tomes considered dangerous by our ferderal government, and that his background, which included significant time abroad, triggered them to investigate the student further.

Hoo-boy, Hellena feels safer.... and she's not saying where she buried her copy of Mein Kampf..

Guts or Balls

From Hellena's friend Robin in NOLA:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."



heh.

Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus....

Why Bill O'Reilly and the whole "War on Christmas" bullshit he started is flagrantly ridiculous. The Rude Pundit has a letter composed to send Bill a little "holiday - er - Christmas" cheer.

In fact, Media Matters has a whole reading list of false claims by O'Reilly in regards to the "War on Christmas."

Bill, you're a sad little schmuck.

The Kennebunkport Hillbilly

aha ha ha......

(sung to the tune of The
Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)

Come and listen to my story
'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and
his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish
while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz
his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know
little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but
they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say "George, stay at home with Mom
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard."
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!
Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win.
Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

Sure, that might have been a wee bit juvenile, but Hellena isn't embarrassed to laugh at a fart joke. Thanks to Mindfully.org for today's funny, even if we're reading it almost 4 years late.

One Ringy Dingy, Two Ringy Dingy

Oh say it isn't so.... now you, too, can own the lilting, lyrical sound bites of the Shrub in a ring tone for your cell phone. Insert your own funny witicism here because, for once, Hellena is speechless.

Sam Seder For President

Hellena is a few days behind Crooks & Liars with this, but if you haven't seen the CNN clip of Sam Seder making Church Lady Bob Knight look like a complete dipshit, then click the link and have some fun. Just don't compare the War on Christmas with the Nazis or Sam'll be knocking on your door with a flaming bag of poo to put in your stocking.

Making the Baby Jesus Cry

Ah, nothing like a heart-warming story of a PREACHER and his wife sodomizing their children.

By PATRICK CROTTY / Staff Writer
(Updated: Tuesday, December 6, 2005 5:30 PM CST)

A former Shelby County pastor and his wife pled guilty last week to raping and sodomizing their two children almost 18 years ago.

Ralph Randall Melton and his wife, Cathy G. Melton, of Jemison, pled guilty to first-degree rape and sodomy in Chilton County District Court. The couple is awaiting sentencing.

Melton was arrested in April 2004 after his daughter filed charges with the Chilton County Sheriff’s Office.

Invesitgators said Melton and his wife raped his then-15-year-old daughter repeatedly between 1975 and 1987.

Investigators began collecting evidence after the victim filed a complaint against her father in November 2003. The couple’s son also filed charges after his sister stepped forward, and the wife was also arrested.

Melton was the pastor of Prospect Baptist Church in Wilsonville at the time of his arrest. He also served as pastor of New Salem Baptist Church in Thorsby and Big Springs Baptist Church in Vida.

Hellena thinks church people should worry less about converting the poor heathens of the world, and concentrate on making sure they aren't harboring child fornicators amongst their existing congregations.

Just sayin'........

When Sheep Get Kinky

Hellena is not sure why, but she is greatly amused by this. She finds this J. Grant person to have a delightfully warped sense of humor.

Christian Conservatives Worship Your New Jesus!

After all, conservatives are all about family values, and Jesus, right? Support your politics and good ol' Amerikan values by purchasing this image on your very own shirt or mug.

Mother Drys Baby to Death

Ah, Satan is smiling.

BOGALUSA, La. — A mother was booked on a charge of first-degree murder for allegedly placing her 3-month-old son in a clothes dryer and turning it on.

The infant had third-degree burns over 50 percent of his body and suffered blunt force trauma to the head, the St. Tammany Parish coroner said.

Police Sgt. Darryl Darden said Lakeisha Adams, 18, called police to her home on Monday to report that someone had killed her child. When officers arrived, they found Jailand Adams on a sofa. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

So here's a question for the audience: What is more critical and requires more skill - driving a car or taking care of a child?

Hellena will assume the answer to this question is the latter, and has another question for viewing public:

WHY THE FUCK DO WE REQUIRE PEOPLE TO TAKE A TEST AND GET A LICENSE TO DRIVE A CAR, YET ANY TWAT CAN POP OUT A BABY IF SHE IS FERTILE?????

C'mon, answer Hellena..... is it just assumed that every human will be a loving and caring Mommy or Daddy to the extent that conceiving a child is just an inalienable right and not something we should be screening people for to make sure they aren't going to pop Junior into a clothes dryer or bash their little heads in with a rock because "God" told them to?

To top it off, this 18 year old paragon of mommyhood already had a 1 year old that escaped the fate of the 3 month old, so apparently, she doesn't know what is causing the repeat pregnancies.

All you do-gooders who think teaching birth control and sex ed in schools is against moral values should read this story and refuckingconsider your stance on that. In the future, every time you spout off at the mouth about birth control being evil, you should think about that little, tiny, helpless 3 month old bouncing around and burning inside of that dryer.

Satan is smiling indeed.

A Note on Public Birthday Celebrations

You know when you are in a restaurant quietly ingesting your dinner, when from the back of the restaurant comes a cacaphony of clapping, singing employees bearing a glob of melting mystery desert to some other poor sap whose family members thought it would be cool to make a public spectacle of their unsuspecting relative?

Isn't that fucking annoying? In fact, it's disturbing, garish, and gauche.

Celebrate your birthdays at home, people or take it to Chucky Cheese where that sort of shit is expected. No one else gives a rat's ass if you are a year older; we only want to eat our dinner in peace without getting a lump in our chest from the loud, unenthusiastic, off-key wait staff's singing.