Saturday, December 24, 2005

Merry Christmas!!!

What a Jackhole....

NEW BEDFORD -- The UMass Dartmouth student who claimed to have been visited by Homeland Security agents over his request for "The Little Red Book" by Mao Zedong has admitted to making up the entire story.
The 22-year-old student tearfully admitted he made the story up to his history professor, Dr. Brian Glyn Williams, and his parents, after being confronted with the inconsistencies in his account.
Had the student stuck to his original story, it might never have been proved false.


Here's to the investigative reporter not doing his job well. Research your story before you get it published, dipwad.

As for the 22 yr. old, is there nothing he can be charged with for making up such BS?

You Just can't Make This Shit Up...

The Pope realizing that Dubya is even dumber than he thought...
"The GO Zone Act ... increases funding for Hope scholarships and lifetime learning credits for students attending colleges and graduate students in the -- and graduate schools in the Gulf Opportunity Zone. It's going to make continuing education for workers more accessible and help support high school training that these Gulf Coast residents are going to need to fill the jobs which are actually going to be existing."

Aw-righty. Hellena's no grammarian, but she's pretty darned sure that sentence would make any of her past English teachers cringe. This is the stuff they pick to put on the front page of the White House web site.
When Bush ran the first time, I realized something: I want my president to be smarter than I am. I don't ask much, but I want him to be smarter than me. - Mike Mills, R.E.M.

Hellena couldn't agree more, Mr. Mills.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Warning: Evil Kitten Content


Oh-so-sweet-and-cuddly..... or so you think. My Cat Hates You is a web site with "cute" appeal. Cat lovers every where share pictures of their dearest companions to either humiliate them or to share the atrocities of cat association.

OK, sharing adorable pics of your evil kitty isn't really ground-breaking news, but enjoy the diversion from the usual politics anyway as Hellena's Solstice present to you.

Aw, Isn't That Cute?


See the 2nd post below.

More "Christian" Quotes...

Hellena uses the quotes around the word Christian because it seems highly unlikely that anyone who understood the real tenets of Christianity would utter such statements. After all, isn't Christianity all about loving your fellow man? And if you couple that with the American ideal that all citizens are free to exercise freedom of religion..... anyway..... read 'em for yourself.....

From Christian conservative writer, Gary North:
The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Those who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church's public marks of the covenant–baptism and holy communion–must be denied citizenship.

Here's one that demonstrates the old Southern axiom that, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Apparently Bush, Sr. was absent from school the day(s) his instructor(s) spoke about freedom of religion. That certainly might explain why Bush, Jr. seems not to have grasped the principal either. Anyway, on to the spotlighted exchange:
When George Bush was campaigning for the presidency, as incumbent vice president, one of his stops was in Chicago, Illinois, on August 27, 1987. At O'Hare Airport he held a formal outdoor news conference. There Robert I. Sherman, a reporter for the American Atheist news journal, fully accredited by the state of Illinois and by invitation a participating member of the press corps covering the national candidates had the following exchange with then Vice President Bush.

Sherman: What will you do to win the votes of the Americans who are Atheists?

Bush: I guess I'm pretty weak in the Atheist community. Faith in god is important to me.

Sherman: Surely you recognize the equal citizenship and patriotism of Americans who are Atheists?

Bush: No, I don't know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.

Sherman (somewhat taken aback): Do you support as a sound constitutional principle the separation of state and church?

Bush: Yes, I support the separation of church and state. I'm just not very high on Atheists.


Well, he may not have been "high on Athiests," but Hellena thinks it is safe to believe he was high on something.

Evidence That Bush Smokes Crack....


Bush called 2005 "a good year for the American people." Well, Hellena guesses when Bush visited the Mississippi Coast, he never got far from the runway. If he had, he would be aware that people are still living in tents FOUR MONTHS after Katrina wiped out the entire coastline there. Hellena also assumes he hasn't really had to face any of the parents who have lost children in his war based on lies.

Hellena has met meth addicts with more scruples and ethics.....

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Mike Luckovich's Top 16 of the Year...



Mike Luckovich is one of Hellena's favorite political cartoonists. In this feature he chooses his favorites from 2005. You can find his work in The Atlanta Journal Constitution.

What's Wrong with This Picture?


Far be it from Hellena to tell people what they can use as the image on their Christmas cards, but doesn't it seem a bit odd for the Southern Baptist Convention to use a picture of the Supreme Court building?

Richard Land, who has served as president of the Southern Baptist Convention's Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission since 1988, claims there is no political intent in the choice.

::coughbullshitcough::

In fact, after visiting Dr. Land's web site, it seems pretty obvious to Hellena that Dr. Land's entire existance involves the interaction of politics and religion.

In his latest book, Imagine! A God-Blessed America (Broadman & Holman, 2005), Dr. Land encourages readers to envision an America where more Christians are radical change agents who reflect Christ, not culture, and where people are liberated from the cult of self and instead committed to the common good. Dr. Land has also recently authored Real Homeland Security (Broadman & Holman, 2004).

Dr. Land is also Executive Editor of Faith & Family Values, a national magazine dedicated to coverage of traditional religious values, Christian ethics, and cultural trends.


Dr. Land, if you don't mind, Hellena would like to have a word with you.....

Dr. Land,

If you and your organization cannot be content with your tax-free status and keep your religion out of politics, then Hellena would like to suggest that your church give up it's tax-free status. Hellena believes this would bring you and your flock out of the "cult of self" and allow more money to be committed to the common good. Instead of palatial churches, homes, and expensive stages from where your sermons are given, Hellena would like to suggest that you and your brethern choose to leave a few 1,000' square feet off your homes, fly economy, and buy cheaper pews so you can spend more of the money you collect to help those in need - you know, like Jesus would.

Worship whatever version of the Bible you wish, but please understand that this is a large country, with millions of people from every conceivable religious & social background you can imagine. Never, in your lifetime, or anyone else's, are we all going to be reborn again as fundamental Southern Baptists. See, the REAL challenge here is not for you to convert all of us, but for you to learn how to play well with others and accept as Americans, we all have the same inalienable rights as you.

We all have the right to freedom of religion. Though this may not be your vision, it was the vision of our founding fathers.

Happy Holidays to you, Dr. Land.
Hellena Handbasket

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Gotta Keep Watch on Those Vegans


The definition of "terrorist" for some folks must be pretty broad in light of revelations from the F.B.I. that

... agents in Indianapolis planned to conduct surveillance as part of a "Vegan Community Project." Another document talks of the Catholic Workers group's "semi-communistic ideology." A third indicates the bureau's interest in determining the location of a protest over llama fur planned by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.


Could someone please explain to our government the difference between civil disobedience, lawful protest, & terroristic activies? Of course, Hellena doubts the explanation would sink in with someone who thinks the Constitution is "just a goddamned piece of paper!"

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

If Hellena Only Had More Time...

But she doesn't, so here is today's commentary:

Bush, you're a big, fat LIAR.

White House press release with the big, fat lie.

Lying on tape.

Lying: The ReMix

Bush Tried Desperately to Kill the NYT's Spy Story

Photo credited to Joshua Roberts / Reuters

Well, all over the internet news organizations are reporting what a pathetic pile of guilty crap GW really is.....

Dec. 19, 2005 - Finally we have a Washington scandal that goes beyond sex, corruption and political intrigue to big issues like security versus liberty and the reasonable bounds of presidential power. President Bush came out swinging on Snoopgate—he made it seem as if those who didn’t agree with him wanted to leave us vulnerable to Al Qaeda—but it will not work. We’re seeing clearly now that Bush thought 9/11 gave him license to act like a dictator, or in his own mind, no doubt, like Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War.


...and they are pulling no punches. Now Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) has released a dated letter that shows at least one Dem did not approve of Georgie's illegal spying. The letter can be read in its original form as released by Rockefeller on Talking Points Memo.

Can anyone say "Congressional inquiry?"

Quotable Quotes

For years Hellena has been stating that the Religious Right (which is neither, btw) has been plotting a hostile takeover of the world. In that vein, Hellena has decided to gather quotes that demonstrate this.

Here's today's offerings:

"That is the delicate balance the Secretary of the Interior must have: to be steward for the natural resources for this generation as well as future generations. I do not know how many future generations we can count on before the Lord returns; whatever it is we have to manage with a skill to leave the resources needed for future generations." -- James G. Watt, testimony before the House Interior Committee, February 1981

"We don't have to protect the environment, the Second Coming is at hand." -- interpretation of the above testimony by Austin Miles, Setting the Captives Free


Lovely. Forget recycling or watching your consumerism. The Lord is Comin'!!

"Yes, religion and politics do mix. America is a nation based on biblical principles. Christian values dominate our government. The test of those values is the Bible. Politicians who do not use the bible to guide their public and private lives do not belong in office." Beverly LaHaye - “Ms.” magazine, 2/87

“Separation of church and state” currently means almost exactly the opposite of what it originally meant." - David Barton WallBuilders


Hellena would like to propose the abolishment of tax-free status for all churches and religious organizations that wish to participate in the political process. Even if it is just voicing opinions like the ones above.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Sunday Morning Funny

From the All Hat No Cattle web site:

George Bush was spending some time at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. One afternoon, he was riding in the back of his official limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," instructed the president.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the president. He turned to the other man and said "You come with us, too".

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well," answered Bush as he headed for his limo. They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a foot tall!"

Dictator-tot strikes again

Upon examining the Bushlet's latest blunder in the ass raping the Constitution I found myself realizing that we really do live in a facisit state, no really. Not that I didn't already know it, but to hear Jr. Give his 8 minute weekly spew of bullshit and get angry for getting caught, then basically saying" Yea, I did it and I'll keep doing it. What the Fuck are you going to do about it?" I stopped to ponder (small tinkling bell sounds as Beelzebubba's mind wanders off to dream land)...

I know what I want for Christmas, a time machine. Ooooh yes, one of those shiny little contraptions that can make all things time travel possible. A two seater.

I would like strap old W in the spare seat and take him for a little trip back to the Constitutional Congress and drag him up before Jefferson, Washington, Adams and Madison then tell them about W's passion for fucking the Constitution and the American people. About how these founding fathers were very religious people and America is a Christian country.

I can imagine Jefferson literally coming unhinged and dragging Bushlet's ass out in the front courtyard and summarily stringing him up on the nearest tree for crimes against the new Country.

Nice dream eh? But then, I awake to see I'm still stuck in 2005 and the little dictatortot is still in power...awwww shit. I shudder.

(sudden crashing noise as Beelzebubba falls out of bed)

But really folks, what do you think would happen if Georgie had to explain his actions before the original writers of the Constitution? I can only imagine it would be a great piece of comedy as they laughed him right out of the building...for being a traitor. No shit.

We as a people are so self centered, self absorbed and worried about Paris Hilton's last escapade that we can't fathom an actual revolution for our rights, peacefulo or otherwise. The Government knows this and feeds it. Most Americans don't even have a grasp of basic American history. Just ask anyone what the Monroe Doctrine was about and look at the blank stare you would get. Sad...Just sad.

More sad, what would those founders think of an American people that voted the idiot into office? They spent years shedding their own blood to allow us to have a free society only to have their legacy used by our leaders like a cheap whore in backalley to pleasure and enrich themselves while treating the rest of us like that whore's bastard children.

Now Beelzebubba's gotta run out and see if he can scrape up some time machine plans. Time's a wastin'...

Your Research Paper Is About What???

Hellena had to laugh at the irony within this next story: A senior at UMass was visited by federal agents two months ago, after he requested a copy of Mao Tse-Tung's tome on Communism called "The Little Red Book" to be used while writing a research paper on fascism & totalitarianism.

The story reports that the student was told the book is on a "watch list" of tomes considered dangerous by our ferderal government, and that his background, which included significant time abroad, triggered them to investigate the student further.

Hoo-boy, Hellena feels safer.... and she's not saying where she buried her copy of Mein Kampf..

Friday, December 16, 2005

Guts or Balls

From Hellena's friend Robin in NOLA:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."



heh.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus....

Why Bill O'Reilly and the whole "War on Christmas" bullshit he started is flagrantly ridiculous. The Rude Pundit has a letter composed to send Bill a little "holiday - er - Christmas" cheer.

In fact, Media Matters has a whole reading list of false claims by O'Reilly in regards to the "War on Christmas."

Bill, you're a sad little schmuck.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Kennebunkport Hillbilly

aha ha ha......
(sung to the tune of The
Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)

Come and listen to my story
'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and
his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish
while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz
his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know
little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but
they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say "George, stay at home with Mom
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard."
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!
Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win.
Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?


Sure, that might have been a wee bit juvenile, but Hellena isn't embarrassed to laugh at a fart joke. Thanks to Mindfully.org for today's funny, even if we're reading it almost 4 years late.

One Ringy Dingy, Two Ringy Dingy



Oh say it isn't so.... now you, too, can own the lilting, lyrical sound bites of the Shrub in a ring tone for your cell phone. Insert your own funny witicism here because, for once, Hellena is speechless.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Sam Seder For President

Hellena is a few days behind Crooks & Liars with this, but if you haven't seen the CNN clip of Sam Seder making Church Lady Bob Knight look like a complete dipshit, then click the link and have some fun. Just don't compare the War on Christmas with the Nazis or Sam'll be knocking on your door with a flaming bag of poo to put in your stocking.

Making the Baby Jesus Cry

Ah, nothing like a heart-warming story of a PREACHER and his wife sodomizing their children.

By PATRICK CROTTY / Staff Writer
(Updated: Tuesday, December 6, 2005 5:30 PM CST)

A former Shelby County pastor and his wife pled guilty last week to raping and sodomizing their two children almost 18 years ago.

Ralph Randall Melton and his wife, Cathy G. Melton, of Jemison, pled guilty to first-degree rape and sodomy in Chilton County District Court. The couple is awaiting sentencing.

Melton was arrested in April 2004 after his daughter filed charges with the Chilton County Sheriff’s Office.

Invesitgators said Melton and his wife raped his then-15-year-old daughter repeatedly between 1975 and 1987.

Investigators began collecting evidence after the victim filed a complaint against her father in November 2003. The couple’s son also filed charges after his sister stepped forward, and the wife was also arrested.

Melton was the pastor of Prospect Baptist Church in Wilsonville at the time of his arrest. He also served as pastor of New Salem Baptist Church in Thorsby and Big Springs Baptist Church in Vida.


Hellena thinks church people should worry less about converting the poor heathens of the world, and concentrate on making sure they aren't harboring child fornicators amongst their existing congregations.

Just sayin'........

Saturday, December 10, 2005

When Sheep Get Kinky

Hellena is not sure why, but she is greatly amused by this. She finds this J. Grant person to have a delightfully warped sense of humor.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Christian Conservatives Worship Your New Jesus!

After all, conservatives are all about family values, and Jesus, right? Support your politics and good ol' Amerikan values by purchasing this image on your very own shirt or mug.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Mother Drys Baby to Death

Ah, Satan is smiling.

BOGALUSA, La. — A mother was booked on a charge of first-degree murder for allegedly placing her 3-month-old son in a clothes dryer and turning it on.

The infant had third-degree burns over 50 percent of his body and suffered blunt force trauma to the head, the St. Tammany Parish coroner said.

Police Sgt. Darryl Darden said Lakeisha Adams, 18, called police to her home on Monday to report that someone had killed her child. When officers arrived, they found Jailand Adams on a sofa. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

So here's a question for the audience: What is more critical and requires more skill - driving a car or taking care of a child?

Hellena will assume the answer to this question is the latter, and has another question for viewing public:

WHY THE FUCK DO WE REQUIRE PEOPLE TO TAKE A TEST AND GET A LICENSE TO DRIVE A CAR, YET ANY TWAT CAN POP OUT A BABY IF SHE IS FERTILE?????

C'mon, answer Hellena..... is it just assumed that every human will be a loving and caring Mommy or Daddy to the extent that conceiving a child is just an inalienable right and not something we should be screening people for to make sure they aren't going to pop Junior into a clothes dryer or bash their little heads in with a rock because "God" told them to?

To top it off, this 18 year old paragon of mommyhood already had a 1 year old that escaped the fate of the 3 month old, so apparently, she doesn't know what is causing the repeat pregnancies.

All you do-gooders who think teaching birth control and sex ed in schools is against moral values should read this story and refuckingconsider your stance on that. In the future, every time you spout off at the mouth about birth control being evil, you should think about that little, tiny, helpless 3 month old bouncing around and burning inside of that dryer.

Satan is smiling indeed.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A Note on Public Birthday Celebrations

You know when you are in a restaurant quietly ingesting your dinner, when from the back of the restaurant comes a cacaphony of clapping, singing employees bearing a glob of melting mystery desert to some other poor sap whose family members thought it would be cool to make a public spectacle of their unsuspecting relative?

Isn't that fucking annoying? In fact, it's disturbing, garish, and gauche.

Celebrate your birthdays at home, people or take it to Chucky Cheese where that sort of shit is expected. No one else gives a rat's ass if you are a year older; we only want to eat our dinner in peace without getting a lump in our chest from the loud, unenthusiastic, off-key wait staff's singing.